Mark (for lack of a better term...my Dom, maybe?) and I are suppose to get together on the 26th. The 23rd is my birthday, and so of course I will be getting my b-day spankings. I'm kinda worried, or at least was, well still a bit but not as much as before, about being able to take all the spankings at once since it'll be the most I've had. When I told Mark this over ICQ he said he thought I would be able to take them all at once but I would have to trust him though. Ahh trust, I'm really trying to do that better. He's never done anything to make me not trust him but it's still hard when so many other men have broken my trust. Then later he said "Why do I not only think you aren't re-thinking it, but you are getting wet thinking about my strong, thick hand striking your sweet ass again and again, knowing when to keep going, knowing when to stop." His saying "knowing when to keep going, knowing when to stop" reassured me and reminded me to trust in him. Anyway, he told me had a couple surprises planned too. So of course I got nervous and worried about that. Geez, surprises are suppose to be nice and I go getting myself all worked up. I've had over a week to think about it now and I've calmed down, I think I especially calmed down when he told me it didn't involve pain. It's like I get scared and worried about pain even though I like it to an extent and I do fantasize about it. I am thinking it goes back to trust. I have to have that trust that he'll know when the pain is too much. Well, on the 26th I am also going to be his sub for the day. It's something I am really looking forward to. Yeah I'm nervous too. I want to please him so much. I don't want to do anything wrong. We are also going to be going out in public and so I am apprehensive about that. But this is something I really want to try. It's terrible being split over something, one part of me longing for it and another scared and worried. Well all I can do is wait and see how it goes.

Sometimes I second guess Mark's decisions though I haven't told him. Just in my own mind I do it. Like the 26th we are going to be together about 8 hours and I feel he is trying to fit too many activities in, while I really want to enjoy or at least just be able to totally experience each thing, and not be rushing to fit many in. Or how this is the first time I am going to be his sub the whole time we are together and he is going to take me out instead of just letting me get used to it in privacy.

I also just thought yesterday of how we seem to be trying things he wants more than things I want. I mean I do want to try the things we will be trying (and have tried) but that is because I am very curious and want to eventually have tried everything, since I won't know for sure if I like it or not if I haven't tried it. But the things I truly *want* to try we haven't really been trying. One thing I really want is sensory deprivation and Mark told me he didn't think he could that to me the 26th but the next time. So now I have to wait. There are other things I want to try to that we haven't and I don't know when we will. From all I've read I know this is something I should talk to him about but I don't know how. I'm hoping to be able to bring it up soon.

I feel bad for even thinking this way. Part of me knows I am human and will feel "cheated" sometimes but the other part tells me I shouldn't think such things about my Dom.

And then sometimes I wonder if he really knows what I want and how to make me happy. I've told him what I want and I completed one of the bdsm checklists, and I'm still not sure he knows. To an extent I think he does...he knows I need more than sexual dominance...but it's not something he can give me. I think maybe that's part of what makes it harder. If we both only wanted D/s to play a part in our sex lives, or if we both wanted more and were able to have it, then maybe things would be better.

I am looking for someone who can take me as their sub. I want a serious relationship though with the possibility of it becoming long-term, and so I can't be rushing into anything. Waiting for what I really need while filling some of the void with a close friend isn't all that easy.

I need to be dominated more than once every couple months, and it's just not happening. Well this is getting depressing so I'm ending it for now.