I meant to write this yesterday but I forgot. I feel sometimes as though I am pushing Mark away. I really want someone to have a serious relationship with and at times you could almost call me desperate. I've realized in the past I've placed the love I want to give on men who I didn't really love or and who didn't love me. I'm afraid of doing that with Mark and subconciously I push him away by suggesting he find another lover or being bitchy or acting like he owes me more than he does, though that last one is debatable. Then sometimes I just so much want love that I think I am bitchy to him because he doesn't give me that. Or maybe more precisely I am taking my feelings of it being hopeless to find love out on him, blaming him for me not having someone. I love his friendship and I don't want to lose that, I also really enjoy sex him with him, he is the best I've ever been with. But I don't want to start thinking I love him and when we do have sex there isn't a strong emotional connection, which is something I want. I think if I can make him mad at me then maybe he wouldn't want me anymore but he has always been so patient with me and seems to even understand when I am bitchy. I think also I am afraid of our relationship ending, I know it's going to end someday, and sometimes I think when the sex ends then we'll kind of drift apart as friends. It's happened to me before and I hate losing close friends. I guess maybe I think it would be better, less painful, if it ended sooner rather than later, and so I push. I always feel bad about being bitchy to Mark though and end up apologizing. He has never been anything but wonderful.