I guess I should've started this journal back in August when I started exploring my sexuality and especially my interest in BDSM. But I've never been one to keep a journal and never knew I would get to the point where I believe submission is a very important part of myself. Now I feel a need to write about it.

I would say my interest about BDSM begin in the fall of '97. Before that my now ex-husband and I had tried spanking and tying each other up but our marriage was bad and so I didn't like it with him. After we had separated I starting looking on-line for info on BDSM. At first I found it absolutely fascinating and also a bit scary. I couldn't really see myself doing it since I had just come out of a bad marriage where I was unwillingly dominated and I knew I wasn't dominate myself. I remember reading a sub's account of what her relationship was like and thinking how unhappy I would be if I was her, staying home being the little housewife and mother and taking orders from someone. It took me a while to realize that it was what she chose and what made her happy, and not all relationships were going to be the same. So now I had satisfied some of my interest but being the very curious person I am I always want to know more, but I didn't know where to find out more and other things were going on in my life so my interest kind of got filed away for awhile. Now I've realized that even when it wasn't an active thought it was still there 'cause when I fantasized it was about dominating another woman (more about that later *L*).

In August of '98 I met a man on-line, on a sexuality forum, not a BDSM one though, and we started e-mailing/ICQing and became friends. We both came to find out that the other was interested in BDSM. It was probably a week or two that we just talked about it and never thought of each other as a possible partner. He hadn't any R/L experience (besides the "required" spankings/tying up *L*) but had quite a bit of experience with cyber, so I got to pick his brain. *hehe* I had asked him how a friend of his had an on-line Master, how did that work, and he explained it to me. He asked me if I was interested and I said yes, meaning it as I was interested in the subject. He asked me if I was interested in being his on-line sub and if that is what I was getting out. I told him that wasn't what I was getting at but it might be interesting. So he said we should try it and I went along with that decision and have never regretted it. He knows how glad I am that it happened but he doesn't know how thankful I actually am. I probably wouldn't have got to experience the things I have, at least not for quite awhile, if he hadn't iniated it, as I'm not one to look for it, so to speak.

Due to somethings happening in my life, our on-line relationship only lasted a few days. On the second day of it though I told him I wanted to try it in R/L, to which he agreed. After the on-line bit was over I realized it wasn't what I really needed (I've never been one for cyber or phone relationships/sex anyway), and I didn't like the person I was during that time. So we first met in R/L at the end of September and there was an attraction so we decided to get together to play. Before we could arrange that though we were able to get together once where we just fooled around and I gave him a bj, so after that it made things a bit more comfortable, knowing that we did enjoy sexual activity with one another.