Well I have been talking to a couple Doms online, just as friends and "mentors". One asked me the other night if I felt the need to address him as a Dom or not when we talked...we were trying to get a sense of the depth of my submissiveness I believe. Anyway, I said no I didn't feel the need to address him as a Dom and felt like as I was just talking with a friend. Then for some reason I added maybe I am different in this aspect from other subs but I feel my utmost respect and reverence is reserved for the one who will be my Master. Next e-mail I received from him he wasn't too happy about that. He told me that he was helping me and for that he should have my respect and that I was out of line with what I said and in real life I would be punished and if he knew me better he'd punish me through e-mail, and asked if understood. Well I wrote him back apologizing. I told him I do respect him and appreciate his help, and I didn't explain myself well. Figures, I've never been good at that. *sigh* Then for some reason I was possessed to add that if he wanted to punish me through e-mail that I willingly accepted it. So of course he writes to tell me my punishment. I am to kneel naked for 20 minutes and say "I will respect (name here)." and I'm not allowed an orgasm for 3 days, and I have to write and let him know how the punishment was and a bit about why a sub should always show respect. Now I don't want to do this. Who would? And I could always say I did and he'd never know. But I'm going to do it. Why?! I'm just too honest sometimes, geez. But seriously I wonder why...he is not my Master, and I usually balk at orders if I don't feel someone has a "right" to give them to me, and I only made an honest mistake and just because I do a bad job of explaining myself, why should I be punished for that? So why am I going to do it... Heck I'm almost afraid to write for fear I'll say something wrong. I always proof read for mistakes and the way things sound but obviously I make mistakes. I really need to know why I am going to do it. Something to think hard about now.

Later that night...

I just thought of something. I've been having trouble understanding why I need to submit...well I have some idea, a need to please. But after being in a non-consensual controlling marriage I am still having trouble with the why. I was just doing the laundry, what a mundane task, and thinking about not liking to do it but about how when I was married my ex wanted it done all nice and folded and ironed if necessary, etc. And I remembered how I so much wanted him to tell me I did a good job with it and that I did a good job with dinner and keeping the house clean, etc. But I never got that from him. Today I don't think I'd be happy just being a housewife, without working. But this made me realize what I was craving was praise for a job well done, or at least positive recognition. I feel that I would get that if I please my (future) Master. I'm probably not explaining myself well again but maybe someone understands what I mean.