Floggers....and Paddles....and Whips....
OH MY!!!

Why BDSM in Our Lives?

All of my life I have been a strong individual. (my mother would validate this statement!)   To the outside world I am a capable, level-headed, organized person.  I have a strong, outgoing personality and I'm capable to assist in solving problems handed to me by my family, friends and co-workers.  I learn quickly, and once I set my mind to something, there is little but hell and high water than can change my direction. (another way of saying I'm stubborn)  
I know how to get along with others and I'm normally tactful enough not to piss people off on a regular basis.  I'm open-minded but I also have my personal views, needs, wants, and way of life. I'm your basic 42 year old woman who has been around the block a time or two, and I am not the proverbial doormat (just ask my husband!) 

Having said all that, I've also always felt a need to have someone else control, to look after and protect me in some way. It's the need to have someone to tell me what to do and reassure me when I stumble along this path we call life.  For all my outward strength, I get frightened, lack confidence, and at times can't cope with the demands of the outside world.   It is at those times I need someone to take the mantle of strength from my shoulders.

Before we started exploring BDSM and D/s, my husband and I had been together nearly 17 years.  Our marriage was ok, but there was definitely something lacking.  The relationship hadn't gone totally down the tubes but there was  there was a clog in the pipes somewhere. The feelings, communication and closeness we had shared when we first married had faded into near nothing.
We both knew there was something wrong, but we couldn't put our fingers on the problem so, instead of dealing with it, we ignored it.  We withdrew from each other until we became two separate and distinct people living in the same household and going through the motions.

I had always read the "bodice ripper" type of novel and never given it a whole lot of thought.  Sure, I enjoyed reading them, they even aroused some mighty interesting fantasies (what woman wouldn't be aroused by the strong, devastatingly handsome man who seems to put a spell on the lady of his choosing?).  I would fantasize about meeting a total stranger, his dark hypnotic eyes piercing my soul, knowing instantly that I needed to be kissed, have the soft flimsy chemise I wore stripped from my body and chained to a wall until I admitted my aching need to have his body pressed against mine, to feel his kisses and warm strong hands roam over my body and sooth my soul. (whew!.... pardon me a second while I take a cold shower!) Why could real life be like that I wondered? 

A chance conversation with a friend introduced me to the concept of BDSM.  I vividly remember my response to his question of "could I ever see myself giving up total control to another."  I replied "No, not ever, I don't do pain."   He laughed and said there was a great deal more to it than pain and we dropped the thread of that conversation and moved on to something else.  His statement stayed with me though. Curious (read nosey) as I am, I soon found myself surfing the internet for information on BDSM.  Some of what I found intrigued me.  Some gave me food for thought, and some flat out turned my stomach. 

A few weeks later I discovered a channel on the Undernet that dealt with BDSM and D/s.   Subs&Lovers soon became my cyber home.  <smile>  They were very patient with me even though I made some terrific faux pas.  (The time I innocently asked what "water sports" had to do with D/s is particularly memorable)  Here I learned what a submissive was, what a Dom was, the roles of each, the flavors of kink that existed and the dangers, both physical and emotional, involved in the practice of BDSM.  Questions were asked, questions were answered and my knowledge base grew.

A few months later I left my home to move in with my mother and care for her following an illness. Three months away from my family gave me time to do some serious investigation on the subject that now fascinated me.  I read nearly every website that dealt with BDSM or D/s.  I hung out in chat rooms and talked to others about our common interests and I purchased my first books on the subject.   (Different Loving  by Gloria Brame and the Beauty series by Anne Rice)   Here were the hero's of  the many novels I had read.  The Dom, the one who knew instantly the needs that lived buried deep within me, the one who could see past my facade of strength to the almost childlike woman within. The one who would lift that mantle of strength I had worn for so long and toss it unneeded into a corner.  I had discovered that hero again, only this time the hero carried a crop.......... and oh how delicious that sounded!

I came home to a relationship that was going 
nowhere quick but SunTzu now knew of my interests in BDSM and we began to talk about it.  <smile>  He had always seen me as someone who could handle anything that came down the pike and I had never let him see any other side of me. We began to talk of fantasies, needs, and desires.  Surprisingly, we found was that many of them   coincided. 

And so we began the slow exploration of this topic together.  We had some very long, painful talks and shared some facets of our personalities we had kept well hidden.  I learned to let go of that strength I had so jealously guarded and learned that failure did not mean I wasn't a capable person.  He learned that I needed his total acceptance, support when I felt weak, and to be placed first in this thoughts.  We're fond of saying that we took the "scenic route" to BDSM and D/s when we should have taken the interstate 20 years ago <grin> it would have saved us a whole lot of time, trouble and discontent! 

So what have we got so far? A pretty good danged relationship!

Be sure to check out SunTzu's Take
for his thoughts on the subject!

©copyrighted by swddancer July 1999