Floggers....and Paddles....and Whips....
OH MY!!!

From Vanilla to Chocolate Swirl

Warning!  
The following is long and possibly boring.
Take necessary precautions to protect yourself. 
Refill on your coffee before proceeding!

Maybe it began with a scene on a television show, a passage from a book, perhaps a conversation with a friend. You've discovered an interest in BDSM and D/s.  You do some investigation and search for additional books and articles on the topic.  Much to your amazement you find that this is what you've been fantasizing about for years!  You realize the thought of having the love of your life spank your backside until its red, turns you on. You realize the idea of tying up your partner gives you a sense of power, and you REALLY like that feeling. You finally have a name to all those fantasies. You've discovered that BDSM is for you, but now what do you do???

When I first realized this is what BDSM was and that it coincided with fantasies I’d had for years (and never shared with Sun), I was at odds with how to approach him with it. Did I just blurt it out and demand he spank me? Did I ignore what I felt and live with what we had? 

The following are OUR suggestions on how to go bring BDSM and D/s into a otherwise good vanilla relationship. We are not experts and the ideas offered here are only guidelines. They are not cast in stone and should not be thought of as the only approach. Each relationship is different and as such, may require a different tactic.

Telling Him/Her

This is a very difficult first step and one that pretty much has to be played by ear. It requires trust in your partner and a good bit of vulnerability on your part. When telling your partner about your desires, you could very well be setting yourself up for rejection or you could find the dominant/submissive of your dreams. Your partner could look at you as though you've just sprung two heads and shout, "You want me to do what????" or they could smile sweetly and say "I'd been wondering when you would get around to this."  Rejection is always a possibility and its a tough pill to swallow. It hurts like hell and it damages our self-esteem.  Acceptance is also a possibility in this situation. When we gain acceptance for a facet of our personality, our spirit sings.  Acceptance is what every human who ever lived strives for, rejection is what we try to avoid like the plague. So how do you minimize the rejection and accentuate the acceptance when introducing BDSM to your partner?

Your first step is to learn all you can about BDSM before you bringing it to your partner. Learn the vocabulary and learn what the different kinks involve (and there are many). Get an idea of what interests you, what makes you shiver with anticipation and what turns you off immediately. Your going to have to become the unpracticed expert on the topic because you're the one that your partner will turn to when they have questions or comments. You owe it to yourself and to them to have the knowledge to have the answers those questions and reply to those comments.

The second step is presenting your desires to him/her. This too can be a bit sticky if not handled gently. You have all these emotions running through you. Fear, fascination, and unabashed arousal are boiling just below the surface of your psyche.  It’s best to take all these emotions and put them into a set of as non-threatening statements as possible.  Keep in mind he/she probably has no clue to what has been racing through your mind for the last couple of months. To say that they may be shocked would be an understatement. Lets put it this way, leaping out of the closet in with a tremendous hard-on and a bullwhip in one hand screaming "HEY HONEY, LET'S DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT TONIGHT!" is not a good way to begin!!

Seriously though, there are several different ways to start a conversation about BDSM with your partner. A letter, a heart to heart chat over a quiet candlelit dinner, a story written with you and he/she as the main characters.  <grin> I took the chicken way out and told him what I’d been thinking about over the phone while I was 600 miles away. (I figured if I didn't have to look at him when I told him, it wouldn't hurt so much if he thought I was crazy!) 

Calmly and quietly tell them this interests you, that you’d like to explore it, and that you want them to help you with that exploration. If your lucky, you’ll find that your partner has had the some of the same thoughts and feelings over the years. If this is the case, then you have great framework to start from. Regardless, give them the information you've collected and let them assimilate it on their own.

One of the best books to address this issue is Pat Califia's book, Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples.   In it she describes some ways to talk to vanilla partners about various kinds of BDSM interests. The first book I gave Sun was Gloria Brame’s "Different Loving."  Looking back, I don’t think it was the best choice. It's a wonderful book, chock full of information about the different flavors of kink out there, but certainly overwhelming in the amount of information it presents to a novice.   Many men and women I’ve talked to have suggested "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren. They've told me that it really helped their partners to understand what they were talking about.

Listen to Him/Her

After explaining your wants and desires you're going to have to listen (preferably without interrupting) and be prepared for a variety of reactions. Allow them to state how they feel without becoming defensive or judgmental. (calling your spouse a prude is not going influence him/her in a positive way)  You've just dumped a ton of bricks on their head and it's going to take a while for them  to get used to the idea. The sole exception to this would be if your partner becomes abusive. If he/she feels so threatened that they resort to name calling or physical abuse you have a some major problems in your relationship and some very, very difficult decisions to make.

Some concerns that vanilla partners have but may not verbally state are: 

• "Does your wanting this mean that the sex we've been doing all this time hasn't been satisfying for you?!"
• "Does your wanting this indicate that you have desires I can never satisfy?"
• "Are you going to want something that someone else can give you and I can't? And if so, where does that leave me with you?! "Does this also make our relationship change from monogamy to polyamoury?
• "Do you have a desire to abuse me? To retaliate against something that was once done to you?
• "Is our doing this a violation of our values? Our religious principles?
• "Are you sick?  Do you need professional help?  Only people who are sick want to be beaten!"

Think about how you'll answer these questions. These are all valid expressions of concern for the vanilla partner. Listen very carefully, especially to what they're NOT saying.  Sometimes a partner is so emotionally confused by your request that they may not ask ANY questions.  In this case it would be a very good idea for YOU to  mention some of the concerns above and see if it opens the lines of communication.  If you can hear what your lover has to say, and find ways to address his/her concerns whatever they may be, then that is the direction to go next. 

If they call BDSM perverted, sick etc, it’s not great, but it is not necessarily the end of the road. You have to keep in mind that they haven't done the amount of research you have. They're making judgments based on incomplete information. Encourage your partner to read and learn. Tell him or her firmly and quietly this is important to you and you would like them to at least give it a chance.

If, after they've have read the information you've provided and you've talked it over several times they're still adamantly against it, then you have some hard choices to make.  If they are interested but uncomfortable, that’s definitely not bad.  Remember that change frightens people, and the change of a very sacred part of a couple's relationship is threatening. Your job is to minimize the threatened feelings with love and reassurance.

Take your Time

Each person learns at a different pace. Your partner may need a good deal of time to assimilate everything and it might take weeks for anything concrete to occur.  The opposite reaction is your partner may want to jump head-first into the shallow end of the pool. Take your time, give each other a chance to understand what both of you want, what you both think you need, what both of you are willing to try, and what both want to avoid.

For Sun and myself it was hard to reconcile this time issue <smile>. Although I wanted to experiment with BDSM, I was scared, fascinated, appalled and intrigued all at the same time. Sun was one that wanted to jump head-first into the water. Oh the struggles we had over this! My wanting to take it slow and easy, his wanting to experience everything NOW!

 Talk, Talk, Talk and Then Talk Some More!

Everything you read on the net, in books, and in magazines that will tell you that communication is the key to making BDSM and D/s in a relationship work. They aren’t wrong. For several months during our initial exploration Sun talked constantly and incessantly, about BDSM. There didn’t seem to be a single conversation we had that in some way, wasn’t focused on BDSM. It drove me crazy! I distinctly remember telling him that he was beating a dead horse and to please get on with finding out what he wanted and then let me know?  (I mean, after all wasn’t HE supposed to be the Dom?)  It wasn’t until later that I realized I had not clearly communicated to him what it was I wanted. The poor man was trying to fish and didn’t have a clue to as to what bait to use!

My point here is that dominants and submissive are NOT mind readers. They need to be told every step of the way how you feel and what you are thinking. No one can plan an effective course of action without the proper information and most of that information is locked up in your head.  Open your mouth and communicate!  Sometimes you won't have the answers to your partner’s questions.  It's perfectly acceptable to say "I don't know." At the very least, it has given you a new topic for exploration together.

The bottom line is if you aren’t being honest and open with each other about your feelings, your thoughts, your fears, your strengths and your weaknesses, there is no way in hell BDSM or D/s is going to work for you.

Sexual Exploration:

This is the fun part! <grin> How many men and women do you know would turn down better sex?  Experimenting with BDSM can open you up to some new sexual experiences, but most people have to get past a few inhibitions initially.  One of the easiest ways to break through those inhibitions is by talking about sexual fantasies. You don't have to get exotic (unless that's what you want).  Maybe your idea of an erotic situation would be making love underneath the apple tree in the back yard. Perhaps you would like to come home one day to find your partner clothed in nothing but a smile or maybe being bent over the kitchen table and taken from behind appeals to you. In any case it's a something you can share with your spouse to open the lines of communication.

There are several fantastic checklists on the net that new couples can use to learn about each others fantasies. I highly recommend filling one out separate from your mate and then comparing. Trust me, you will be surprised with each other's responses.

• Another good example of experimenting might be making yourself sexually available.   One my favorite methods is to greet Sun partially nude, kneeling on the bed after he has finished changing clothes after work. It brings a smile to his face every time!
• Work on your oral sex skills. After nearly 20 years of marriage I figured I knew pretty much everything there was to know about oral sex, the giving and the receiving. WRONG! The most helpful thing I ever read on the internet was about giving head.  It was written by a gay man for heterosexual women and boy did I learn a thing or two! Sun is STILL trying to find the guy’s e-mail address to thank him!
• Take the initiative sexually. If you’re the submissive half of a couple it may seem the exact opposite of where you want to go, but it's an important first step. By taking the initiative you are able to show your partner what feels good to you and what you'd like to try. Be prepared to run into some rough spots though. Sometimes the exploration of sexuality can bring up some deep-seated issues for one or the other. If things get scary, or you or your partner has a severe reaction, stay calm, stop the action, and talk about what happened and why. Later, there will be plenty of time to work your way through some of these issues, but keep in mind some things may always be taboo in your relationship.

Punishment

For some within the BDSM world, D/s (Dominance and submission) plays a large part of their every day lives. One aspect of D/s can be the punishment a dominant might administer to his/her submissive. Punishment is a very difficult subject for many vanilla to D/s couples.  Some are able to bridge the punishment barrier with ease.  Others may not use the standard corporal punishments described in the literature and on the internet. If your partner expresses discomfort with punishment, respect it.  He/She has been socialized to treat others in a certain way and for many this is an unbreakable taboo. There are many ways to punish other than the physical methods and you need to talk about these possibilities if punishment is going to be a part of your relationship. Standing in corners, performing sexual acts, going without sexual release, isolationism etc; are all viable methods and may work better than corporal punishment for you. In the beginning stages however, there should be little need for him/her to punish you, you are both in the learning stages and a lesson isn't learned without practice and guidance.

We’ll be very honest and state that punishment is not a part of our relationship. Sun feels quite uncomfortable with physical punishment and I feel uncomfortable with other methods (such as isolation, humiliation or ignoring). This is a taboo for both of us. How do we deal with it? For the most part we just talk about why either of us is upset and how it made us feel. It may sound very simplistic (and very vanilla) but it works for us!

 When the Partner Just Can’t

For some couples no amount of talking, trying, reading, and exploring is going to make a bit of difference. One member of the team is always going to feel uncomfortable with BDSM or D/s. The other member is always going to crave the fulfillment that it provides. What do you do when all else fails?

If you're the member of the couple who needs BDSM or D/s in your life you have few choices.

You can leave the relationship.
You can swallow the need and stay in the relationship.
You can find a dominate/submissive outside of the relationship (either with or without your partners consent).
You can seek a dominate/submissive in cyberspace (virtual life).

All of these choices carry a high emotional price tag, its up to you to decide what you can or cannot deal with. 

©copyrighted by swddancer July 1999