Floggers....and Paddles....and Whips....
OH MY!!!

DOM ME!... and do it RIGHT!!!

Note: The following is paraphrased from an article
taken from the Sexuality.org website.

Perhaps one of the most common complaints heard from new couples is:

"I want to be dommed and my husband/wife 
isn't doing what I need."

The frustration level for the individuals involved is overwhelming and for many, this period can make or break the foundation of a healthy BDSM or D/s power exchange and any hope of changing the dynamics of their relationship.

There are many factors that come into play when disappointment rears its ugly head. Every couple is different but there are some common threads in the problems encountered in this new relationships. 

•Past Roles in the Relationship - For years the wife has made all the decisions in the family and suddenly she wants hubby to take over. The husband is more than willing but down right confused when the when the wife suddenly barks out orders and can't for the life of him figure out how to gain the control his wife says she wants.  If your a submissive trying to give up control, do so gently.  Dumping it all your needs, wants, desires in your Dominates lap is a recipe for disaster.  Your just now discovering your submissiveness, he's still discovering and testing his Dominate nature.  Neither of you have all the skills you need and it will take time to develop them.  Tread lightly when handing over control.  For the Dominate, take the reins of control gently.  Immediately wresting away all decision making from the submissive will leave them feeling unneeded, unloved and unappreciated <grin> Even if they swear this is what they want, do it slowly and gently. 

•Lack of Knowledge - Both people in the relationship may want the change but neither has enough experience or knowledge about the complex nature of BDSM and D/s to take the first steps.  They find the sexual aspects wonderful but fall flat on their faces when dealing with the psychological affects of changing roles. (this is especially true for D/s relationships).  For instance the submissive member might loved being tied up and having passionate sex but dig their heels in when asked to fetch a cup of coffee for the dominate partner. The best advice we can offer is to consider it as common courtesy within a marriage.  Talk or correspond with another couple who has "been there, done that!"  They may have some constructive suggestions for smoothing the transition and give a deeper insight into why you are having problems.

•Lack of Experience - Reading about something and doing it are as different as day and night.  Both of you may get aroused when reading about a particular activity and then at totally at a loss why it didn't turn out as described.  "Didn't it say that the sub was supposed to like nipple clamps? Then why did it hurt like hell?"  Experience in how to use toys and how to motivate the desire to surrender takes time and practice. Go slowly when working with new toys.  A few strikes of the flogger or crop, a moment or two with those nipple clamps. It takes a body time to acclimate itself to a new sensations. Overwhelming it with more than the person can handle is a sure fire way to put a halt on any play.

•Moving Too Fast and Expecting Too Much - Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your new relationship. It takes time to grow into these roles and it may be years before you reach a point where you both can anticipate the needs of the other.  When someone tells you that they learned all they needed to know about being a Dom or sub in 6 months they were either wannabes or have no concept of the what BDSM and D/s really involves. If your shooting for a 24/7 D/s relationship it takes time and a lot of hard work to build foundations of trust and respect and a heck of a lot patience to get there. (we're STILL working on it!)  In the beginning it's a struggle to maintain it for more than a few hours or days at a time. No one can go from vanilla to a 24/7 in a week.

•Fear - One or both in the partnership do not trust enough to move beyond beginning stage. It might be fear grounded in past experiences, fear of the unknown or fear of failure. For the dominate partner in a D/s relationship, taking on the responsibilities required in being the "boss" is can be overwhelming.  They struggle with conflicts regarding failure and fear of injuring the submissive partner emotionally, physically or spiritually. For the submissive partner, giving up control may seriously threaten their psychological makeup because of previous history with either the spouse or some other incident in their past. It takes a lot of talking and a lot of patience to get past fear. 

So how many of these problems did we fall prey to?  
All of them!