An Essay on BDSM
The following is written by Lisa Powell and has copyright. No part of this may be reproduced without permission from the author.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is the acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sado - Masochism. There are many books out there that define it for us, so I will save you from that, however, I would like to attempt to clear up some misconceptions. One of the most important myths I would love to correct is the one where people think that what we do is sick. Since the beginning of time, anything that is not understood is bad. Some don't take the time to research to better understand what it is - instead of seeing this as what it is, a deep trusting relationship that is full of caring and understanding, they see is as wrong, evil, demeaning, uncaring, dangerous, dark, satanic, or hateful.
Limits - hard and soft
There are different types of limits. Limits are those things that are harmful - either physically or mentally. Limits can be for the dominant or the submissive. Most of the time, we hear of limits and associate them only with submissives, but there are dominants that have them, too.
Hard limits are the limits that are non-negotiable; things that would cause us mental or physical harm, or that are illegal and get us in trouble. For example, involving a child is something that is commonly a hard limit. In order to remain safe, sane and consensual, all parties have to be consenting adults. For someone that has been raped, a role play rape fantasy may not be something they can handle. Other common hard limits are scat play, blood play, anal play, and water sports. Not everyone has the same ideas and limits, that is
why negotiations and communicating is so important.Soft limits are those limits that we want the dominant to try to push. For me, a cane was a limit, but after my Master tried it on me, has become one of my favorite toys. There are many soft limit possibilities. It could be that restraining someone is a limit. After a relationship of trust is developed, then you can try pushing the limits.
The important thing to do is find out what your submissive's fears and concerns are through a negotiation process. Having someone fill out a play list is an excellent way to get started in effective communications and get on the right road. There is a sample play list included for you to use. This is designed as a tool for you to use and not to be used as your sole method of communication.
Also, complete the checklist more than just once. My Master and I completed the checklist right after we first met. We completed the list a month later and the results were amazing; the a lot of the items that were a "no way" changed from no to yes. One of the reasons for this is that a trust had been established and I knew that he would not harm me. Note I didn't say hurt me, because spanking sometimes does hurt, but it's a pleasurable hurt with no harm done.
Limits are not things that you just don't like, i.e. cooking, cleaning and pumping gas. A dominant could have a limit of eating your cooking, but that is for his health.
Sex and scening
Is there a difference between sex and scening? Do you have to scene when you have sex? Do you have to scene when you have sex. Scening can be defined as a session with a dominant and submissive, where there is D/s play involved. It can include bondage, discipline, domination, humiliation, corporal punishment, teasing, or torture (erotic torture - not anything harmful).
Well, I guess you would need to define sex. I will define sex here as sexual intercourse between the parties. Sexual intercourse would be further defined as genital to genital sex. So, with that definition, the answer is No - you can have one without the other. They are two separate things and that is not to say that you can't do both.
There are some people that do not have sex at all with their D/s partner at all. There are people that are married to 'nilla people and practice D/s with an outside party. There are a lot of people online that are real, but there are a lot that are not. Use caution when meeting someone new. HAVE and use a safe call; and do it more than the first time you meet. Your safety is very important.
Polyamorous relationships
Is it possible to love more than one person? Well, do you love your mother and your father? Do you love each of your children? Yes, it is possible to love more than one person. You love them each differently - not more than the other, just in different ways. You love each of them for their strengths and their good qualities.
This type of relationship is not for everyone. After spending the past year in a polyamorous relationship, I know what works for me. Every person needs to evaluate what their fears and concerns are and know what they are getting into before they get started. People have feelings and it's not fair to get started in a relationship that you know is doomed from the beginning.
For the man that is wanting to have a relationship with two women, know that it is something that they have to want, not just you. They have to be friends and be comfortable, without feeling the pressure of making it work for you.
Once they are friends and you are ready to take the relationship to different level. For me, knowing I had a part in the decision of the person, made a big difference for me. That is one of the hardest steps. The next step is not easy either - keeping in going.
There has to be some sort of "pecking order" in order for things to work. There has to be two primary relationships for things to work their best. For our relationship, I am His number one and she is OUR number one. There has to be something that you only do with the primary submissive that will keep her from jealous.
Jealousy - is there room for it?
Put simply, NO. There is not room in this lifestyle for jealousy from anyone whether there is one or more than one other person in the relationship. This lifestyle is built on trust - with trust, there is not jealousy. If there are fears or concerns, it is your responsibility to voice those concerns to get them out in the open. Do not let them fester inside and hide them.
Toys - finding things around your house
Looking around the house, you can find a lot of fun implements of pleasure or pain (or both). Start out in the kitchen and you can be there a while. Look in your utensil drawer to start, try out the wooden spoon, spatula, hand held flat strainer, and turkey baster. Those can be worth hours of fun. Also check out the laundry area and get the clothes pins - these can be great fun. A little piece of advice, if you are using wooden clothes pins, be careful when placing these on the labia. The moisture of the genitalia can soak into the clothes pins and cause the pin to stick to the skin when you try to remove it. This was a scene ruiner for me once, since it was more pain than I could handle. A plastic clothes hanger can imitate a cane with intensity and feel.
Looking for something to use for restraints? Try panty hose, that is what was first used on me. You have to be careful not to tie them too tight or you can cause problems with the circulation in the hands. These are not the ideal item to use, but they will do in a pinch.
Collaring - what does it mean?
For some, wearing a collar in the D/s scene is the equivalent of a wedding ring to a vanilla relationship. Wearing a collar is a way to let others in the scene know you are taken. However, there are people that wear collars that are not in a committed relationship. They wear the collar for a variety of reasons. Some wear it as a fashion accessory, to accent what they are wearing.
When approaching anyone wearing a collar, show respect to both the submissive and the Dominant. If you are not sure of the significance of the persons collar, then ask. Here are a few clues to look for: if the collar has a lock, that means they are owned and are in a committed relationship. If there is a locking collar without a lock, they are a masterless/domless submissive. If the submissive is wearing a collar that buckles, then that is saying they are a wearing it as a fashion statement and they are probably not in the leather scene.
Wearing a lockless collar is dangerous for the submissive. They are making a statement offering themselves to anyone that wants to "grab them up". This also applies to those with leashes. If a submissive is wearing a leash that is dangling, they are offering to let anyone take it and them. This statement is allowing anyone to anything to them. If the submissive is holding the leash in their hand and the handle is facing outward, means the same - anyone can take it.
For someone that is wearing a leash and it is in their mouth, in their hand facing toward them, or tucked in their pocket with the handle all the way in are not available for anyone to pick up, take or touch.
Safety - before, during, and after
As I write this, a dear friend of mine just told me that she met a new dominant and he raped her. She feels guilty and feels that she asked for it. She did not ask to be forced to do anything to him, especially on a first meeting. They were supposed to be going to a restaurant for coffee. He ended up taking her to his business and locking them inside. He forced her to perform oral sex, the forcefully had vaginal intercourse with her. He attempted to have anal sex with her, but she stopped him.
Before you meet, make sure you have information about him and let him know that someone else has it and knows how to find you. Bad things do happen to people, and it could be someone you know, or it could be you
Copyright © 2000 kalana{SC}
