- Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a
submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does
anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are
like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly,
strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness
(or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be
repeated in the playroom.
- Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the
world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have
ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of
opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the
"real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a
failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
- Be open. Although the top is classically considered
to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no
matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who
may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach
by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be
aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
- Communicate! You are responsible for finding out
basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as
experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing
SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your
head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any
uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell
out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that
your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
- Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that
your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your
partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your
submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control
of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking
priority over how hot a particular scene is.
- Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a
sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing
clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and
fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the
surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is
that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete
trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate
that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it
appropriately.
- Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom wanting
more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and
sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be
clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in
practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in
themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
- Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for
someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute
strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from
cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole
existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your
life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect
him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules,
expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't
shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops.
Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the
dominant role - now take it!
- Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM
requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health.
Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and
your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance
during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional
energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in
control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and
alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your
submissive's trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to
accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!
- Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good
time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense
pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.
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- Be patient! A potential top will let you know if
she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as
a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into
consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top
to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for
both of you.
- Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the
world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear
it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good
you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a
scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that
you know you and your top can never reach.
- Be open. You can learn something about SM and about
yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or
inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a
very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you
miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially
valuable SM friends.
- Communicate! Verbalization is necessary, but at the
appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know
basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health
concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until
your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who
instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will
enhance the scene for both of you.
- Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your needs and
fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health
concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being
less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the
scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be
dangerous.
- Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street. It
is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you
want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological
stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don't always
expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your
head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your
limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust
your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide
you into new fantasies.
- Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even the
most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't
call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference
between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines.
Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout
of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't
abuse it.
- Be really submissive! This is the whole point. Let
your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or
be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs
before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on
running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a
top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those
limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you
don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to
be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal
and dependable and enjoy your role.
- Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous activity,
requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top
physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits,
your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response
and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your
physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene
sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give
your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your
dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.
- Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good
time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense
pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.
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