One of the most important purposes of this site is the education about the lifestyle- and a large part of this would include safety tips. Some rules are common sense. We are trying to promote a safe, sane and consensual community. These are my interpretations of these words:
Safe - Involves not only the physical safety, but also the emotional and spiritual safety as well. Knowing and understanding where you are is important to your dominant. Communication is very important to let Him know what you are feeling, where you went, and what you are thinking. Of course, do this with tact and understanding. Sometimes, there can be things that are happening in your space that you may not be able to deal with, even if your dominant is not doing something physical to you. If you need to use your safeword, then do it. There is nothing wrong with using your safeword. In fact, if you need to use it and don't, you are doing an injustice to not only yourself, but also your dominant. For example, if you were tied up and your dominant were stroking your face and while in this position, you rememebered that when you were young, you were attacked. You need to say something to him, instead of clamming up. It is your responsibility to tell him what you are thinking and feeling, and if you can, why. There is nothing wrong with using your safeword. Anyone that tries to punish you for using your safeword is dangerous and you should never see them again. When you use your safeword, it is because you have gone further that you thought you were able. Your dominant should comfort you - not punish you.
Sane - There are a lot of people out there that are under the impression that they can believe everything they read in books and online. No, you can not suspend a submissive by their nipples from the rafters for 3 days. Being able to understand the difference between fantasy, fiction, myths and reality, fiction, and truth is very important not only for the dominant, but also for you.
Consensual - Now, here is the biggie... you are the one that consents to what is happening to you. YOU have the right to revoke your consent at any time. Let me repeat this... you have the right to change your mind and revoke your consent at any time. If you do this, you are to telling your dominant that you are no longer interested in participating in this activity. This is where the line between consensual and nonconsensual D/s comes in to play. You should never play with someone that you have just met. You need time to learn them and trust them, just as they need time to learn you and, yes, trust you. He has to trust that you are telling him the truth about your needs and things you are afraid of.
Safety Links
Safety Rules For First Meetings
AIDS Committee of Toronto Safer SM Seminars
A POWERotics Production - The Concepts
Personal Safety: Meeting a First-Time Partner for Play
Seven Rules for Safe First Contact
Meeting Someone From On Line Safely
Submissive Checklist and Negotiation Page
Letter from a Sister Submissive:
I know it has been said many times before, but it seems there are some slipping through the cracks regardless of our efforts to educate and protect them. No matter how many times you've talked to someone online or on the phone, take precautions when meeting them. ALWAYS make sure AT LEAST one person knows where you are going to be (PREFERABLY a public place), who you're going to be with (person's name, phone #, address, and picture if available), and what time you'll call to let them know you made it there safely and that you're ok. Don't let anyone, whether they claim to be Dom/me or not, bully you into meeting privately if you're not comfortable with that. If you're going to meet privately.... PLEASE take someone else along with you. I can understand how some people would be reluctant to give out names and phone #s of people they've been with as references because it violates the other person's right to privacy, but being in this lifestyle and understanding the importance of safety... i would give out some information and (to protect my reference's privacy) have my reference call my potential partner. There are people I've talked to online at length that I would ask to contact my potential partner as references as well. There are ways to give references without giving out uneccessary information about the other's you've been involved with. Unless a Dom/me is completely new, they should have at least one reference in the lifestyle and should have personal references regardless of experience. If a Dom/me is completely new, meet in public. Talk to your other experienced Dom/me friends to see if anyone would be willing to train him/her. Groups in the area are a great resource for information and training on techniques and safety. If they are new and say they're ready to lash you with a whip they've never handled before, be wary.
Just think about what you're doing BEFORE you do it. Don't let anyone... ANYONE push you into a situation that you feel might be potentially dangerous (and ALL private meetings have that potential). If they say "you don't trust me?", tell them it's not a matter of "trust"... it's about safety and not putting your life at risk for ANYONE. Trust takes time... lots of time. Trust takes open, honest communication. That doesn't happen overnight or in a few days or weeks. I would never push anyone to give me their address after having talked to them for two or three weeks... especially ONLINE. I would never push anyone to meet me in private after they've told me even just once that they are more comfortable meeting in a public place. I would never question their faith in me to try make them feel guilty or to change their minds. I would respect that person who was careful... who cared enough about their own life to take the precautions. You should take a closer look at anyone who pressures you into doing something you don't believe to be safe.
The good Dominants I know would discuss your fears about meeting the first (second or third) time and put them to rest instead of putting more pressure on you by questioning your judgement. Follow your instincts. THINK about the information you're giving out and think about what you're doing BEFORE you do it. It could be your LIFE at stake. Is it worth it?
Yes, I realize I sound like I'm preaching to all of you, but some very terrible things happen out there to people who don't take precautions. Don't let it be you.
