Safewords
A safeword is a word or signal that can be used by either party to stop or control the scene. There are different kinds of safewords, there are safewords that mean "stop, now" there are safewords that mean "ease up, its getting too intense" and there are safewords that mean, "I'm doing fine, you can increase the intensity" It is up to the individual players as to what kind of safewords they will use and what those words or signals will be. A good safeword should be a word that would not come up normally in the scene, something like "grapefruit" would work well because that isn't a normal word that would occur in a spanking scene. Something like "ouch" or "stop" would not necessarily be good safewords because the bottom might want to be able to say ouch and stop without really stopping the scene. The safeword should be something easy to remember. Platypus may not leap to mind when a person is in pain and under alot of stress, so it may not be the best safeword. I have often simply used the word "safeword" to mean stop. I have also used the words "red" "yellow" and "green" as signals. Red meaning stop, yellow meaning lighten up or slow down, and green meaning, do more.
Contrary to popular belief among those new to the scene, a top has equal right to stop a scene as a bottom does. If a top is uncomfortable, has a physical concern, has a concern for the bottom, or for any reason feels that the scene should end, s/he has every right to use the safeword as well, and that should be respected by the bottom as it should by the top.
Sometimes people play with gags or for some other reason, the bottom can't speak clearly to express a safeword. That DOES NOT mean that play should happen without a safeword. A different system should be arranged. A hand signal can be used as a safeword. Or a ball can be put in the bottom's hand and if that ball drops, the scene stops. If the scene is being done OTK, a squeeze to the top's ankle can be a safeword. Whatever system is used, it should be set up in advance and should be a clear signal so that there is no misunderstanding when it is used.
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is very important during a scene. Alot of the responsibility for this falls on the top. The top is the one physically in charge and in control of the scene, and to a degree s/he is the one emotionally and psychologically in control. This puts a tremendous amount of responsibility on the top for paying attention to the behavior of the bottom and checking for warning signs that something is going wrong pyschologically or emotionally. Sometimes a bottom will have a history of physical abuse and a spanking can trigger strong memories of that past. This can be a very frightening and traumatic experience for the bottom as well as for the top. The top needs to be aware of how to handle such a situation if it should arise. Sometimes the top will know that there are sensitive areas that could be problematic, but somtimes it comes as a complete surprise. In general, the second the top sees something wrong, the scene should stop until the top knows what the problem is. It IS ok to stop and check with the bottom. The top needs to be prepared to offer comfort and support if the bottom has stumbled into bad emotional territory.
In order to avoid these experiences as much as possible, partners should discuss as much as they can before the scene begins, and should sort out any areas that could trigger bad reactions for either person. This will be covered more in the negotiation section. But knowledge is power, and the more that the players can be self-aware, and the more that they can communicate to their partners, the better the scene will be.
Safe Meetings
Spankers and spankees are just like the rest of the population, good, bad or indifferent. ALWAYS be careful when meeting a new playmate, both men and women can be taken advantage of, can be hurt, and can have their reputations damaged. No one is immune. Be sure to take precautions. Meet a new person in a place that you feel safe. Many people insist on meeting in a public place. Often in my own play, I met new playmates at my own house where I felt that I was on my own turf, and I had a very large dog, and a very loyal Navy Seal who would be at my side in seconds. Make sure someone knows where you are and what you are doing. Its called a safecall. Call your contact when you meet the person and set up the next time you will call them. Then make the next call at the appointed time, and set up to call them when you part with your playmate. If you don't have anyone you can share this information with, tell someone its a blind date and ask if you can use them to get out of it if its not going well. Make up something, but make sure someone knows where you are, and when to expect you to check back in.
Physical Considerations
During the spanking, the top needs to be sure that s/he does not play above his/her own level of skill. Spanking should be done on the muscular/fleshy part of the buttocks, well below the tailbone, and above the back of the knees. Care should be taken not to strike the genital or anal areas accidentally, as that can cause serious injury, as can striking the tailbone. Spanks should start about two inches below the top of the cleft of the bottom cheeks, and it can go as low as 4-6 inches above the back of the knees. Extreme care should be taken when using rigid implements such as a paddle, a cane, or a hairbrush. These implements can break the tailbone if they are used improperly leaving the spankee with a permanent and extremely painful disability.
Unless it is negotiated, extreme care should be taken not to break the skin. A scar can cause a weak area in the skin that may open and bleed during subsequent spankings. Be careful to spread the spanks over the bottom evenly, and watch for blistering, greying, or dryness to the skin, these can be warning signs of blisters or other skin damage. Be careful to watch for bruises, especially if the bottom wishes to have no marks.
Be careful not to hit the hands or other parts of the anatomy accidentally when the bottom moves. If the bottom is moving in a way that the top can't control, the spanking should stop until that movement can be contained. The top should always be in control and able to stop on a moment's notice if the bottom puts his/her hand in the way, twists out of range, etc. Kicking can open the genital areas to accidental strokes. The top must be very careful about spanking a moving target.
Contracts and Negotiation
Negotiating is the process before and after a scene when play partners discuss how the scene will go, or how it went, and what demands must be met, what the mutual wishes and concerns are, etc. It is extremely important to talk to your play partner. Maintain a dialogue. No one should ever be afraid to say an aspect of a spanking didn't work for them, or request that certain activities don't happen, and the partner should respect those wishes. This goes for both the top and the bottom. If the top doesn't want to be called "mommy", and the bottom violates that in the scene after its been negotiated that it won't happen, that is a serious breach of trust, and the top probably won't want to play with that bottom again. Limits is the term for the lines that the players draw as to how far they want the scene to go. A player may say that she wants to be spanked with the hand and a belt, but anything wood is a hard limit. That means, no wood, never, don't even think about it. If wood is a soft limit, then she doesn't really like wood implements, she prefers not to play with them, but will under certain circumstances.
Consentual vs. Non-Consentual
This probably should go in with negotiation, but there is alot of question about it especially in the stories on my page, so I will address it separately. All spanking should be consentual. Always. That means both parties agree to it, freely and willingly. That said, there are times and relationships where, to an outsider it may look as though the spanking is not being consented to. This is very complicated, it is called consentual non-consentuality. The bottom will negotiate with the top for circumstances where the bottom can be free to fight the spanking without fearing that it will really be stopped. It adds realism to the scene. There is also a situation with punishment spankings where one partner will entrust the other with the duty of discipline. When discipline is needed, the top will take it upon him/herself to spank the bottom, with or without the bottom's expressed permission for that specific spanking. Blanket permission had already been given.
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