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Explorations in Dominance
and Submission
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The first most important
concept I urge you to grasp is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way
to practice Dominance and submission. What does or does not
happen, or what is or is not explored, remains solely within the realm
of the partners.
The second most important concept which you must come
to understand is that the submissive must offer her complete
consent of her own free will in order for a true power exchange
to come into being. If the woman you see standing to the left
doesn't want to be there, then she is not a submissive woman, but rather,
is a victim of abuse or kidnap. Abuse and other crimes of violence
do not have anything to do with caring and consensual Dominance and submission.
Personally, I never want my submissive to fear me in any way.
Fear keeps her from me. Trust and respect brings her close.
It is both the goal and the responsibility of the Dominant
to earn the trust of his submissive, so that he may believe her without
reservation when she asks him to assume her personal power and become not
only her lover, but her Master.
So, let's explore some ways in which trust and consent
can be established, which will allow the relationship to move to the next
stage. |
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 The
Four Demons of Personal Freedom and The Initiation of Negotiation
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| It is both my experience and belief that in many instances,
couples involved in "vanilla" marriages or relationships neve acquire the
ability to ask for what they really want from their partner in terms of
sexual activity. I believe this dysfunction arises from one or more
of the Four Demons of Personal Freedom: Fear,
Repression, Guilt and Shame. Perhaps
as a child you were taught that "good girls don't", or that your
body was dirty and should be hidden, or that your budding sexuality had
to be kept carefuly hidden not only from the view of others, but from yourself.
I believe it is the duty of the Dominant to help his submissive trainee
identify these Demons in her own reality, and a good way to begin doing
so is by using a Personal Interests & Curiosities Survey (PICS), which
is a list of very frankly sexual behaviors, such as anal and oral sex,
bondage, spanking, and other activities and practices. If the
submissive becomes embarrassed or reluctant, the Dominant must gently urge
her to not be afraid, and to let the complete truth come out.
It is throught the give and take of this dialog that the submissive can
get a feel for the sexual and emotional maturity of her partner,
and to begin to become relaxed and secure in speaking frankly about sexual
matters without hesitation. When I began my online program,
I used a very extensive checklist which is freely available on D/s web
sites. But after a time, I honed it down to something that
was much more general. The important thing is that it gives
the submissive the opportunity to say "yes, I've always been curious about
that", or "no, I do want to do that at all, so please don't try and make
me". The process of defining and determining the manner and form
the relationship will take is generally termed "negotation".
At some point in this process, the partners begin to define and establish
the limits within they will agree to function, and we will discuss those
next. |
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Hard and Soft Limits
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| Simply put, a "hard limit"
is an activity or practice that the submissive indicates that she firmly
wishes to avoid. The reasons for this avoidance will
vary. For example, the submissive may become claustrophobic
and suffer a panic attack if bound and placed into an enclosed dark
space. Therefore, it would be damaging to her to place her
in such a situation and for obvious reasons, she asks that her Dominant
promise to respect her wishes in this regard. It is absolutely essential
that the Dominant be fully cognizant of the hard limits which have been
identified and agreed to and to never abridge them.
The second type of limit is generally referred to as a "soft
limit". A soft limit is an activity or practice that the submissive
may be reluctant to pursue, but would consider attempting under the careful
urging and leadership of her Dominant. A common example is
spanking. Many submissive women are drawn to photographs of women
being spanked, but in real life may become fearful of suffering severe
pain. So the curiosity and the reluctance form a conflict which the
Dominant can help resolve by skillfully easing his submissive into the
state of mind where she can surrender herself to his palm.
If the Dominant is experienced and stays "in tune" with how his submissive
reacts, she may find that the sensation produced by a skillfully
given sexual spanking are deeply arousing and enjoyable. In that
instance, the Dominant helped push her through a limit based on one
of the Four Demons which would otherwise interfere with the partner's mutual
enjoyment of their relationship. In order to encourage the
submissive to not unduly fear approaching a soft limit, it
is wise to employ the use of a safeword, which we will discuss in the section
on Activities and Practices.
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Petition
and Agreement of Service
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| After a time, the submissive will begin to start
deciding if she wishes to offer the gift of her personal power to the one
with whom she's been negotiating. As a Dominant, I must
be made to believe that the submissive candidate really wants this all
to happen, and that she deeply desires to offer her mind and body to me
to use as I see fit for the advancement of our mutual pleasure and personal
growth. If this stage is reached, I encourage the submissive
to prepare a very formal written document generally termed as a "Petition".
In her Pettion, the submissive must state with total honesty and sincerity
why she believes the Dominant has earned the privilege of accepting her
personal power. She must offer herself to him completely and
without reservation, but within the limits they have agreed to abide
by. She must directly ask him to become her Dominant and to guide
her through the exploration of her submissive nature and desire.
If she does this, and the Dominant elects to accept her into his
service, then the next step to which some partners proceed is the preparing
of an Agreement of Service (AOS). The AOS is a form of contract, in which
the partners place their promises to each other in written form.
Once an AOS is consensually entered into, in my view the Power Exchange
can be said to be consummated and we can move on to the good stuff.......:) |
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